Alchemy is not Irrelevant
by Etka the Crim
Summary: This story is made up of writing warm-ups and boredness. Enjoy!


Edward Elric enjoyed his time with Roy Mustang. Perhaps a little too much. He was beginning to question his own sexuality. Ed waved the thought away. There was no way in hell that he was gay.

So, he turned back to his gay porn magazine and found a sexy picture of a guy with short brown hair and a hat, with only a skateboard in between his legs to cover his sacks of joy.

All of the sudden, Mustang burst into the room with only a miniskirt and tie on. He had a grin on his face that reminded Ed of a… never mind.

"Have no fear, Super Bastard is here!!! I smelled gay porn from headquarters and rushed over as fast as I could."

Ed decided to completely ignore the fact that he had _smelled_ the gay porn and was wearing strange attire. Instead he said, "Super Bastard? You just insulted yourself, Mustang. I like it. It makes me hard"

"There will plenty of hardening to come, but for now," Roy struck a dramatic pose and began to sing to the tune of "star spangled banner", "_Ooooh, Ed can't you see, by my hardening joy, that I'm so proud to have your baby-"_

"WHAT?" Ed suddenly turned into a girl and giggled. Pink fluff came out of her/his eyes.

"Um…"

Al appeared by the door.

"Hi sister," he said, already used to the sex change, "What are you doing? I thought I heard Mustang's voice."

Ed looked around and noticed that Mustang had disappeared. He then proceeded to slap Al and poof into magical fairy dust.

Al was in a state of shock. He had never witnessed his brother/sister slapping or poofing into fairy dust, but that was irrelevant. The fact that a guy was unzipping his pants and moving his eyebrows suggestively didn't even bother him. But said guy just so happened to be Yagami Light from death note.

Al's shock quickly turned to anger and he killed Yagami then and there.

He was hungry so he went to Taco Bell.

At Taco Bell, something vital to the story happened, but the author wasn't there, so we are going to abandon this story line and watch it suffer and squirm and finally die in the cold.

Now back to the storyline:

Ed POV:

Ed was at a bar. He had turned back into guy and was now watching Taco Bell across the street. He put down his mug and burped loudly, getting up and heading for the door.

Ed was just about to open the door when a little girl appeared by his side and tugged at his shirt. He looked down. It was Elysia.

"Oh hey, Elysia." Ed ignored the fact that a four year old was in a bar.

"Hello big brother," she batted her eyelashes.

"Sorry if this is offensive, but I didn't know you were going to be in this fic."

"Oh," Elysia rolled up her sleeves and walked into the jungle of bodies in the back of the bar. Ed heard cries of despair from the other room and turned back into a girl. She giggled and pink fluff came out of his/her eyes again.

Roy POV:

"Hello Fuhrer."

"Hello, colonel. May I ask why you are wearing a miniskirt and a tie?" The Fuhrer said this without turning around.

"Nope."

"Oh. Okay. Well then why are you here?" He turned to face Mustang.

"Um… actually I don't really know."

"Okay. Leave."

"Sorry to inform you of this, but I can't leave…"

"I said GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE."

"Whoa. No need to lose it. My feet are glued to the floor. That's all."

"Oh okay then" the Fuhrer got up and grabbed his bloodied knife from under his desk. He went over to Mustang and cut the floor out from under him, leaving a big block holding his feet together.

"Now go."

Mustang hoped out of the room and back to his office. He many weird looks but thought nothing of them. See, hopping up stairs with your feet connected to a block of floor is weird enough. But when you have a miniskirt that rides up when you hop revealing… um…

Ed's Pov:

Ed was still a girl. She decided that it would be wise to get some flowers for Mustang for no real reason. She made her way to the flower shop and went straight to the bathroom. Ed promptly shitted some flowers and washed them off in the sink.

She turned back into a guy and began his journey to Headquarters.

Random Person's POV:

Today Fghu Hgbrsiuuh was walking into a flower shop to get some flowers for his wife and saw the cashier doing something suspicious; she was sniffing one of the flowers like it was a drug. Fghu called the police and they promptly arrived.

They arrested her then and there.

"Thank you for calling." One of the more muscled cops said.

"Well, your welcome. I'm surprised you arrested her without even asking me what she was doing."

The cop looked down nervously.

"Yeah, no problem."

"Hey, can I rape you?"

"You can't rape the willing." The cop smirked, his head still down.

"Good point." Fghu walked off in a random direction and never looked back.

"So where do you want to make the magic?" The cop looked up realizing Fghu was gone. The cop fell to the ground, crying hysterically.

After a few minutes, he stopped crying and curled up in fetal position, rocking back and forth.

Roy's Pov:

Roy opened the door to his office and closed it after him. The block of floor had randomly disappeared so he was free to walk around.

He walked to his desk and sat down in his chair. He stared at his desk to find no paperwork there. He smiled and relaxed into his comfy, warm, chair.

He was just about to move when he realized his chair was not the usual (unknown to this author) color. It was red, black and blonde.

He got up and looked down. It was Ed…

"Ed?"

No response.

"OH NO!!! ED IS DEAD!!!" Mustang grabbed Ed by the waist and snapped a hole in the wall. He jumped out and did a face plant on sement. He quickly got up, perfectly fine. He then realized he had dropped Ed somewhere during his fall.

There, on the ground next to him, was Ed. He was covered in blood from the fall. Mustang picked him up and examined him. His face and hair were covered in blood. He took a cloth from one of his pockets and cleaned the bloodied face off.

"Wait, this isn't Ed…" the colonel realized. "It's Al trying to be his brother from the first part of Conqueres of Shaballa."

He got up and jumped back up to his office leaving Al to rot.

When he arrived back at his desk, he alchemized a chair and sat down, noticing that there was now paperwork on his desk.

Winry Pov:

Winry had changed a great deal since she had last seen the Elric brothers. Those changes will be explained later. But with her new, sexy, Godzilla body, she decided to have them be the first to see it. (besides everyone else, of course) So she got on a train to central and did a bunch of random shit for the next few days:

Random shit #1: She decided to hit on all the guys on the train. But became discouraged when they all screamed in horror.

Ed POV:

Ed walked into Mustangs office and suddenly wondered where all of his clothes where his clothes were. He decided that Al had probably borrowed them and didn't expect them back.

"Hello, bastard."

"Hello Edward. I'm sorry, but-."

"I know you're buisy doing paperwork and such, but I wanted to give you these flowers."

"Well, actually, I would be fine with you distracting me from my paperwork, but I was going to say that I am sorry your brother-."

"Did he die?"

"Yes."

"No need to be sorry about that. I was getting annoyed with him borrowing my clothes."

"Yes, well, his death was not a pretty one and I'm afraid he was wearing your clothes-."

"WHAT!!!!"


End file.
